I’m very grateful my family has been very supportive in our adoption, as well as my couples family. They are very excited for us, and they are looking forward to meeting Clyde, who should be here anytime this week, the problem is that many times people don’t realize they are saying or doing highly offensive things. We know you don’t mean to hurt us, or at least that’s what I want to believe – haha – but sometimes it’s better to not ask or say more than you should, especially if you have no idea of how an adoption works in this 2017. Please give yourself the time to read what pisses adoptive parents off:
1. Why don’t you have “your own” kids?
This is the most common/typical – and insensitive – question. Every time I say I’m going to adopt a baby the instantaneous reaction is “oh wow, why aren’t you having your own?” Well, this baby will actually be my own, you insensitive sack of balls! First off, I know the idea of adoption is not really common and even less common as a first choice, but what happens if I were infertile? Isn’t that a highly painful question to answer? And if I were infertile, why in the world should I tell you? Isn’t that a private issue? Well, I’m not infertile and neither is my husband so in this case, for us it’s easy to reply with a “because we want to,” but even like that people are like “why?”.
2. It’s better to have “your own,” you don’t know anything about the baby’s genes.
OMG, stop it! This one is absolutely cruel. While genes are important in a child’s development, it’s only important until a certain extent. Balanced environment, love and stimulation are the key for a bright future. I don’t understand why some people think adopted children as future delinquents or something, absolutely ridiculous.
3. Is it a baby? Because kids come with too many issues.
The fact of even saying this makes me sick. Isn’t this the main goal of an adoption? To be honest, this really pisses me off. For me it is more valuable to adopt a kid with issues than a perfect newborn, cause what are you looking for? Do you want to give hope and a good life to somebody who needs it or you want to have a baby for your own personal satisfaction of having a child? Exactly, you don’t know why I’m adopting. You don’t know if I actually want to help those “kids with many issues,” like you said once. What makes you believe I will love that “problem child” any less? I could give you so many examples of why this one makes me so sick, but let’s move on, you get the point.
4. At least you did not pass through all the hellish pregnancy process, adoption is so much easier!
No no no! What are you saying? I know I didn’t get pregnant, and I know I didn’t get fat or have physical problems to deal with, but I had to pass through a whole year of waiting, stress, anxiety and headaches to arrive to this point. I’m mentally exhausted, and my nerves are here, right here man. I don’t know how to explain this one cause it means a closer look at the adoption process in itself (which I’ll cover in a future post), but you clearly don’t relate to all the papers and emotional drama that means to adopt a baby/child. So no, it’s not easier, my nervous system is a mess right now!
5. So what’s with the real parents?
What do you mean? First off, We ARE the real parents! Do you mean the “biological parents”? If so, why do you care? I think this is a very intrusive and delicate question, especially if I don’t know you at all. It’s not appropriate to ask details of this kind only because “you’re curious.” I will figure out – eventually – if you’re worthy of telling my child’s life story.
6. How much did he cost.
Nothing. What?! Nothing, it’s a child! Just like a normal birth, there are some expenses to take care of, hospital bills to pay and other expenses to take care of.
7. Now that you’re adopting, you’ll get pregnant. I’m sure!
First off, no. I don’t want to get pregnant. I don’t want biologic children and my husband doesn’t really care about it either. What makes you believe we tried to conceive before starting our adoption process? We are adopting because we want to, and pregnancy is out of our dictionary, at least for now. It’s not cool to point out “pregnancy” on any level because you don’t know if the person behind the adoption even wants biological children or is struggling with infertility/pregnancy issues.
8. What if the birthmother regrets or wants her child back?
So, my world fell apart when my best friend asked me how the adoption is going and I started to tell her how excited I was when she suddenly touched one of my legs and looked into my eyes saying: “I don’t know how to say this, but do you know that many women (birthmothers) don’t go through with adoptions, right?”… It’s not gonna happen. It’s not gonna happen. It’s not. I tried to ignore what she said because I know she didn’t mean anything bad, but it hurt. It really did!
There’s always a chance the birthmother will decide to keep her child, but there’s more chances her ideas are clear and her mind is set. It’s not cool to point out a slight possibility of this not happening, given all the time, energy and love invested in this child. Also, after all papers are signed she can’t change her decision. It’s done and it’s done.